Company Culture is Bullshit

It’s official. After 30 years in the corporate world, I’ve decided to call out “company culture” as nothing but bullshit. I've known it for a long time, but just realized that some companies are still pushing it as if the rest of the world hasn't already seen what's behind the curtain.

Firms work so hard to create some sort of image of their company culture as something that employees latch onto, embrace, tell their friends about, and are willing to work harder without more pay to be a part of it.

It’s all bullshit. Employees don't do or think any of that. Sure, some of the new kids think that team building activities and Taco Tuesdays are cool, but it doesn't take long for them to figure out it's all bullshit. And this younger generation has no intentions of sticking around for more than a few years anyways, so the idea that a company is going to try and milk the best talent for poor wages with this smoke show called "company culture" is just ignorant and archaic.

But here's the real reason "company culture" initiatives don't work. Because no matter how hard HR tries to roll out some program that feels all squishy and friendly to employees, or pushes for “collaborative” work environments, or strives to reward employees with token internal recognition awards for doing a great job — there’s always a c-suite executive that is a complete dick, making life miserable for everyone else.

News flash — that c-suite dick isn’t going anywhere. He’s bringing in more money to the company then all the HR leaders and marketing nerds and operations button-pushers combined.

So why does Corporate continue to push these culture initiatives? Certainly somebody’s crunched the numbers and figured out that the idea that a good “company culture” helps corporate profits is just an urban myth, right?

I have an idea. How about we try something old school? Now, I know this idea is coming from a cranky old guy who’s seen and heard it all and clearly isn’t interested in learning or applying a firm’s “cultural tenants” in his job – but hear me out.

Since this thing we all do is called "work" – and the place we all work at is called a "business" – how about we all try and work hard to help the business succeed? But only under the agreement that if the BUSINESS makes more money, WE make more money?

It's old school. Mad Men style. Reward hard work with more money. And the hardest worker gets the most money.

Oh, and tell HR to stop asking us to attend cultural "lunch and learns."

Here's how it could work. You know that marketing nerd who's always pitching an idea for ways to sell the company widget with some sort of flashy new marketing technology or some sort of hokey tag line that makes compliance-boundary-pushing promises? Yeah, you know that guy.

Fine. Let him do it. However, the rules are — he must tie his idea into some sort of measurable, revenue generating metric. Not only that, he needs to keep track of his costs — his salary, vendor expenses, coffee at meetings, and any expenses associated with this shitty idea. If at the end of it all, he cost the company more money than he made — he loses. Not necessarily his job. But he should receive some sort of internal public verbal flogging.

Conversely, if it’s a financially positive result (revenue generated is greater than the cost of the campaign) he gets internal public praise and a raise.

None of this supports any kind of positive corporate cultural environment, mind you. And it will most likely turn your usually friendly corporate office into something resembling a season of Survivor – but so what? Is this company in business to make people feel good? No. It’s in business to make money. Isn't that why you're working here? How about we make it so that only those people who make the company money, get some of that money? Wouldn’t that make people feel good about themselves?

Let’s try that.